Fashion Friday: On Being "Trendy"

Holy crap you guys, things have been busy lately. Between the new job (still fabulous, just fabulously busy!) and trying to finally take this dating thing seriously again, I feel like I've been burning the candle at both ends. I miss writing though, and it's always good for helping me work out things that I've had on my mind, so I'm hoping to get some time for it soon. But at the same time, my gorgeous sister will be in town this weekend and we'll probably be busy noshing and shopping and gossiping. So, who knows when I'll get around to some blogging.

In the meantime, I have a quick Fashion Friday post. And what's better on a Friday at the end of a short week than to bitch about the weird shit people do en masse that seems to make no sense. Sometimes a trend emerges here and there that really makes me wonder if people even think for themselves. I tend to feel this is more pervasive in D.C., in general, but I don't know why. Without explanation, people seem to think, "oh, that is THE bag I'm supposed to carry" and then everyone latches onto it like it's part of a uniform. I don't get it.

For example:

1. Stop carrying nylon Longchamps totes. They're ugly, boring and shapeless and you look like a mindless clone carrying that thing around. I mean, honestly, if you want to throw $100 at a work bag, there are much better options you could go with. In fact, that sounds like a good topic for a post soon.

2. Why does anyone wear TOMS? (No, I will NOT link to them.) They're ugly and unflattering and cheap looking. Why, people, why? I don't care how many fucking sequins you put on it or if you try to guise it as a ballet flat, they still look like something you picked up at the bargain bin at Payless.

As an aside, one of my friends recently told me that she fell hard for a guy when she first met him and then proceeded to describe his outfit, which included TOMS. I stopped listening right then and focused on how soon I could get the bill, pay and get out of there to another happy hour or something, because CLEARLY I NEED NEW FRIENDS. Gross.

Every trend is not for every person. Try and keep this in mind when you go shopping. Just because neon pink or a peplum skirt doesn't look good on YOUR body, doesn't mean you can't be trendy. You just maybe can't wear those trends. The best suggestion I can ever give someone about improving their look is to know their body and what works well on it, and then try to fit trends into that. Too many people try it the other way around and try to force their bodies to fit the trends. Quite frankly, there are very few people who can pull off floral pants and you're probably not one of them.

Go with what works for you, not just what you see everyone else wearing or what you think you're supposed to be wearing (personally, I cannot fathom a midi skirt ever flattering me) and you'll be miles ahead of so many of the clones marching the streets out there.

Unless, of course, you think TOMS look good on you. If you truly think those things flatter your foot, send me a picture to prove it and I'll gladly post it here and eat my words. But most likely, I'll tell you to donate those things and go buy yourself some real fucking shoes.

Happy Friday!

Fashion Friday: Be Good to Your Girls

I was at an event last night, where a particular woman soon became a subject of conversation among most of the people there. And not in a good way, unfortunately. She was wearing a dress that looked great on her ... everywhere except across her chest. For her chest, the dress might as well have been a child's size. Her breasts were just smooshed and smashed and so close to falling out and exposing us all to nipple that even the men were uncomfortable. It wasn't cleavage in a good way. Rather, as a fellow blogger put it:

"That's not cleavage. That's a massacre. "

It was painful to observe. Some of us wondered how you even go about helping that girl, if you were her friend. There's not exactly a tactful way to tell her that the dress she was wearing just isn't for her. I guess a bold friend would say, "Girl! Put your boobs away! Seriously, that's too much." Or you could try and be there when she's trying on outfits for a night out, and discourage her from the truly tragic options in her closet.

Short of those opportunities, if you have a friend who has this problem, you could also just forward her this blog post. Being a woman blessed with breasts of a certain size (oh how I love alliteration), I have a bit of practice in highlighting my best assets without appearing vulgar. Keep in mind that these don't necessarily apply in the same way to smaller-busted women.

1. Know the difference between tactful cleavage and tacky cleavage. Here's my take on that. I think sexy, tactful cleavage is the kind that a low-draping top gives you. To be blunt, something that shows off the space between your breasts is usually attractive. Anything that shows too much of the top of the breast, inching closer and closer to the nip-slip, is not. If you're going strapless, be sure that it really does fit.

2. Balance. If you're going to show a lot of skin up top, be aware of how much you're showing below your hemline as well. If you're showing a lot of leg, a fitted boat- or crew-neckline can look more appropriate and sexy than a v-neck that also shows off cleavage. Trust me, everyone will still be able to see that you have cans.

3. Don't go big every day. Similar to the point about balance, you don't need to show cleavage with every outfit you wear. People know that you have boobs -- when they're a certain size, you can't hide them, no matter how you try. Show that you're just as comfortable in a well-fitted blouse or sweater as you are in a surplice bodice dress, and I think you make your cleavage even sexier.

But really, above all else, whatever you do -- please don't smoosh them into tops that don't fit. It just looks painful and you're not doing yourself any favors! And if anyone knows that girl from last night, be kind, but help her out.

Happy Friday!

The Secret to Every Successful Relationship

I don't know about you guys, but I think there's a lot of junk out there on the interwebs, presented as "dating advice." Most of it is about telling you what you're doing wrong. Stop doing this. Stop doing that. This makes you look crazy. That makes you look desperate. This makes you seem like an asshole, instead of a gentleman. That makes you look like a pushover. This tells him you're a desperate, needy, nag. That shows him he can walk all over you any time he wants.

In real life, this sort of negative teaching -- by telling you everything you're doing wrong and not focusing on the positive -- is the kind of stuff I generally just ignore. It's not all that helpful. But when it comes to dating, we seem to take it to heart. The less confident among us get downtrodden under all of this negativity. Is that really helpful to anyone?

My favorite "advice" by far comes from the perpetually single, who want to tell you that these are all the things you're doing "wrong" that make you tragically less cool than they are. If only you could act more like them, you'd be set. To do what, exactly? Well apparently, to cycle through an endless series of date after date after date. Isn't that what we're doing already, if we're reading dating advice?

So, here's my suggestion. And take this with a grain of salt, because (full disclosure), yes, I'm currently single. But I'm basing this on my years in relationships and the times where things just clicked with someone from the very beginning.

What's the secret? That's just it, there is no secret. If you really want to find true, lasting love with someone you just need to be yourself. 

If there is anything that 33 years on this planet -- the vast majority of it spent people watching -- have taught me, it's that there is absolutely a lid for every pot and a pot for every lid.

When the right person for you comes along, it will work. (And I think there are multiple "right people" out there for each of us, so we're not on a magic quest to find "the one".) You might be a complete slob and absolutely incapable of getting anywhere on time, but it won't matter. You might be naturally paranoid and terrible at just relaxing in a relationship, but it won't matter. You might have terrible fashion sense and wear all the wrong things on a first date, but she'll fall for you anyway. You might drive every other man (and me, for that matter) crazy with your baby talk and pet names, but he'll love you for it.

When the chemistry is right, it just works. And when it's not right, there's nothing you can do to force it.

All the "advice" that we read after a date or a fledgling relationship goes bad is masochistic, in a way. Sure, there are things you could do differently. But how often do you know people to actually change the fundamentals of their personality? It's probably not going to happen and you are who you are. So stop bullying yourself. Stop bullying your friends who are just out there trying to find happiness, too.

Just go on, be yourself, and keep looking until you find the one who fits just right with who you are. I promise, they're out there.

Whatever Happened to The Dude

I haven't talked about The Dude here in several months. When I told him recently that I thought I was ready to blog about him again, he asked me two things: "why?" and "why weren't you ready before?"

I thought about those questions for a little while. I think the best answer I have is that things were so up-and-down, touch-and-go, and uncertain for so long with him, that I always felt unsettled when I blogged about it. I was trying so hard to use writing to work through our issues that I always wanted some sort of answer at the end of a post. And when I wasn't finding answers, and when things were changing so frequently from one week to the next, I guess I just failed to see the point in writing about it anymore.

But that doesn't mean things just stopped between us.

When The Dude moved away and we officially broke up, so many people had so many opinions about how I should handle things in the months that followed. Most told me that I should cut off all contact with him. And I can't really blame a lot of those people. Stuff was rocky between The Dude and I for a long time. Iraq was incredibly tough and it's an experience that changed us both. There were times that he hurt me. A lot. But for whatever reason, we both kept trying. For me, when I think something or someone is worth saving, I just keep trying.

And now that we have such an unbelievably strong friendship, I really can't imagine things being any different. We had to go through those hard times together, and we had to ignore everyone's advice, and we had to stick with our guts -- to end up where we are now.

My mom is truly my best friend in the world. But if anyone gets close to the type of friendship I have with her, it's The Dude. And in so many ways, it's a different and completely unique relationship. The greatest thing about actually finding a way to be friends with an ex, is that they know the present you more intimately than anyone on the planet. That insight is impossible to replace and really is amazing when you find a way to preserve it in a genuine friendship.

I was talking to him the other night about a new guy, asking his opinion and of course pointing out all the reasons I was worried this guy wasn't going to work out. It takes him about thirty seconds in those conversations to filter out what's really going on in my mind, what I'm afraid of and why I shouldn't be. And then he said this to me:

"I know that you're lonely and I just hate seeing you like that. You just have to open up to someone and stop worrying that they're going to hurt you."

It's when he makes those type of comments that I realize he does still love me, but also is my friend and wants the best for me. I mean, it's something a friend would say in a heartbeat, but it's also something that's so hard for an ex-boyfriend to say. I'm not even sure that I'm as good a friend to him as he is to me, but I am glad to look back a year later and know that I did the right thing by fighting to keep him in my life. For whatever reasons, our other relationship wasn't meant to work out. The friendship we have now, though, is stable. And I guess that's really why I'm comfortable talking about him here again. No more rollercoaster, no more confusing double-takes, just an authentic, solid friendship that I know will be around for a long time.

Sure, it's not the whole shebang I thought I was going to have when I first fell in love with him. But sometimes you just have to recognize the bits of good here and there in your life and hold onto them.

Fashion Friday: Men in Short Shirts

I was at the Nats game last night. First of all, let me just say that for as small a city D.C. can seem to be sometimes, it's fun to get out and people watch and realize that you don't recognize a single face all night long. It was refreshing. Second, we definitely did do a lot of people watching. And because it was mostly men in attendance, we had great opportunities to notice what the mens are wearing these days (not a typo, ok?).

I've blogged on this topic before, but it seems to be an epidemic and therefore bears repeating:

Men in Short Shirts. No Bueno.

Allow me to explain. Men: your shirt should hit at least an inch or two below your belt line. Much shorter than this and you're venturing into dangerous territory.

If you could raise your arms and show your belly button ... your shirt is too short.

If I can see the white of your undershirt between your shirt and the top of your pants ... your shirt is too short.

If you're not wearing an undershirt and your belly hair is sticking out from under your shirt ... I have no words. This is just a much bigger issue. (And yes, I totally saw this last night.)

Now, here's why you want to avoid this problem:

1. You just look silly, like a little kid who has outgrown his clothes.

2. It's actually not flattering, in the sense that it shortens your torso and makes it look like you have a belly.

3. Women look at this and instantly realize that you don't know how to do your own laundry (here's a tip: stop putting everything in the dryer) and are then too cheap to replace stuff once you've ruined it.

And I'm gonna guess that reason 2 is probably the only one most men will care about. Still, I think that's reason enough to go through your clothes and make a donation pile for anything that's just too short. You're doing yourself a disservice by continuing to wear those.

And ladies -- help your men out, here.

Happy Friday!

A Little Audrey Goes A Long Way

I've got a few things going on lately that are keeping me up late, with too many thoughts marching through my head. Sometimes I like to read over my favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes to laugh, smile, recenter and calm down. Here are my favorites:

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

"If I'm honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all."

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

"There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain."

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul."

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life -- to be happy -- it's all that matters."

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

Fashion Friday: Gold Cup Ready

With the Virginia Gold Cup Races right around the corner next weekend, "What To Wear for Gold Cup" is a popular topic this week. There are lots of great blog posts out there on the subject. If you're going to Gold Cup, make sure you read Capitol Hill Style's post for some great tips on staying cool and fresh out in the weather all day (the vodka solution trick is a new one for me). And So Much To Smile About has some adorable outfit suggestions, coral plus khaki being my personal favorite.

A lot of the points made in other posts this week bear repeating: Wear wedges or flats, no heels. Choose something light, cotton and flowy. Wear sunscreen. Be prepared for rain and don't be afraid to don some cute wellies if it's really wet out there -- the turf gets messy when soggy.

Now, because I've been unemployed and penny-pinching lately, I figured I'd contribute to the Gold Cup frenzy with a post on cost-conscious hats. I know a lot of you will be out there looking for a last-minute hat this weekend, and let's be honest: we can't all afford to drop upwards of $150. I've been around the block for a Gold Cup or two, and it always seems like such a big deal to get the perfect hat ... until you're a little too tipsy by the afternoon and drop it in the mud anyway.

So, some tips for finding a fabulous but reasonable Gold Cup hat:

1. Bargain Shop. I wish I could support some of the truly talented milliners in this city, but as I have few occasions to wear a hat, I just can't afford to drop $200 on what might be a one-time wear. Enter the big-box shops. Stores like Target, Macy's, Forever21 and Nordstrom all have reasonably priced hats in stock. Also check discount stores like Nordstrom Rack, Marshall's and T.J. Maxx. You really can find great choices for $50 and under.

2. Think Ahead to Summer. My personal poolside style is always a little retro, including a big floppy hat on days when I'll be out in the sun for more than just a casual tanning session. The great thing about so many Gold Cup hats is that they can also double as a summer beach or pool hat. If you're looking to make your purchase stretch a little, try to choose one that will also get plenty of use this summer.

3. Borrow. When push comes to shove, you can always borrow from a friend. No shame in that.

Here are some of my favorite bargain hats I've found while looking around online. If you act quickly, there still should be plenty of time for shipping before Gold Cup, but there are plenty of options out in the stores. They all know that this is Gold Cup season in D.C. and since it's all about the hat, they have plenty in stock.

Stripes

1. Forever 21 ($12.80)  2. Forever 21 ($12.80)  3. Mossimo ($14.00)

Bold Colors

                                           

1. Nine West ($29.99)  2. Nine West ($29.99)  3. Mossimo ($14.00)

Fascinators

           

1. Tasha ($58)  2. Tasha ($58)  3. Cara ($58)

These are a little pricey, but also check places like Claire's for fascinator headbands!

Happy hat shopping and Happy Friday!