Break Ups Are a Lonely Business

"They say that breaking up is hard to do ..."  That's no joke.  But there's a whole other aspect to it that I've been reminded of over the last few weeks:  it's a very lonely process.

For starters, there's the fact that the person you've been most intimate with, the person who likely knows you better than no other and whom you confided in daily, is gone from your life.  Even if you don't cut it off cold turkey, that intimate connection is gone.  I think that void is what we feel in our chests, the pressure that literally feels like your heart is broken.

But then there's the grieving.  I'm not generally one to cry to my friends.  I let few people see me cry - my parents, my cats, and of course, the person who's now missing.  Being able to blog here has been helpful, and I keep a private journal ... I think these are all healthy things, yet still lonely processes.

It's even hard to talk to friends sometimes.  Your friends want to protect you, and so when a man has hurt you and they can see that, they want to tell you that he's a bad guy.  And they are naturally critical of any interactions you have with him.  I know they mean well and are just looking out for me, and I remember what it's like to be in their shoes, trying to protect a friend and being angry at the man who hurt her.  Sometimes I just need to talk to my mom though.  She simply listens, sympathizes with me when I cry, and tells me that I'm strong and I will get through it.

It's just hard to hear the critical advice.  I don't have false hope anymore, but I don't want to have regrets either.  If I let myself get caught up in the anger, being mad at him for hurting me, I can feel that bitterness seeping into all of my memories of our relationship.  And I don't want to regret those years that I spent with him.  Even though it ended with me being hurt, I know he is a good man and that he loved me for those years.  I know he still loves me.  And I want to find a way to get through being hurt without being angry or bitter.  I feel that if I can do that, I put myself in a better place to find love again down the road.

I know everyone doesn't react this way and that anger helps some people cope, but I let myself feel that way about The Ex, and I don't think it was healthy for me in the long run.  I regret the years I spent with him, instead of valuing the things I might have learned from that relationship and the bond I built with someone.  Regret tastes bad.  I don't want to go that route again.

So for me, the process is a little lonely.  I try to put on a happy face, and keep myself busy with social stuff.  I know when I go out, I'm sometimes secretly desperate for a man to flirt with me and make me feel good again.  I expect I probably either look desperate for that or look outwardly unhappy, and often go home feeling unattractive and unwanted, because no one talks to the sad girl.  But I know that eventually, I won't feel quite so lonely and the smile on my face will actually light up my eyes again.  Then maybe I'll find someone to be hopeful about once more, and this loneliness will have been worthwhile.  I hope.

Fashion Friday: Beach Bound!

Happy Summer, everyone!

I couldn't be more excited about my beach vacay this weekend with some great girl friends.  I'm headed to Virginia Beach for the holiday weekend, and am expecting lots of sunning, boy watching, girl talk over bottles of wine, seafood, salt water in my hair, and long naps on the beach.  I've been working long hours and trying to distract myself from feeling sad, and I kinda feel like this weekend is my time to bask in everything I love about life and tell my heart that it's ok to move on from feeling sad.

Also, A Single Girl and I basically realized that our relationships with our girl friends are our own fate-filled fairy tales (you can read her lovely blog post about it here) and so I'm pretty psyched for a weekend with just the girls.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the fashion.  It's beach fashion, after all!  I'm sure there will be lots and lots of people watching.  Heck, I'm taking swim suits from the last two summers with me, so I could even be one of the faux pas out there.  But I'm also really excited about a couple of sun dresses that I've been saving for the official start of summer.  They're already packed in my bag!

I love this sweet little dress.  INC from Macy's.  

This is the maxi I'd been keeping my eye on.  Got it on sale!  Also INC from Macy's.

Love these simple but pretty sandals from Old Navy.

And this linen scarf in a perfect turquoise blue.  Just something I found at Marshall's.

Hope you all have fun weekend plans!  Don't forget to thank a soldier on Monday - they give up so much for us to be able to enjoy these lovely, sun-filled weekends.

Happy Friday!!

Fashion Friday: Toe Cleavage!

I am a shoe lover.  But more specifically, I am a lover of shoes that flatter my foot.  In picking a great shoe, often it's as simple as - you know it when you see it.  But there are some undeniable traits about a perfectly flattering shoe that can be articulated.  One of my favorite is toe cleavage.

(This is the part where I tease any men who might actually read my blog.  Right now, they are both confused and intrigued.  Cleavage?  Awesome.  But wait, toes? ... )

Yes, toe cleavage.  I think most women understand what this is, even if they've never actually articulated it.  Whether it be in a fabulous pair of heels, sexy peep toe wedges, or a comfy ballet flat, toe cleavage always makes the shoe even more flattering.

To be specific, toe cleavage occurs where the vamp of the shoe (the top part of the shoe that goes across the top of your foot, and specifically your toes) is low cut enough to show off the slight "crack" between your toes.  (Yikes, this is actually really hard to describe.)  Ya know, like a low cut top shows off just your cleavage.  And just as with a low cut top, you don't want to show too much cleavage, either.  A little goes a long way!

Like I mentioned above, you can also get toe cleavage with a peep-toe, depending on the cut.  So in that case, you get the cleavage, plus the toes.  Extra sexy!

I've read and heard people complain that toe cleavage is unattractive or tacky.  These people are also known as "prudes".  Don't buy what they're selling.  Toe cleavage is where it's at.

(And while this seems almost perverse to me, a couple of quick pics of my favorite flats ... I always have more toe cleavage on my left foot, because my left foot is smaller!  Huh, that's kinda like "regular" cleavage, too.)

And for anyone for whom these pictures truly were perverse, I just have this to say:  I'm not that kind of girl!

Lessons From Mom

My mom reads my blog.  In a recent email exchange, she said this to me:  "I don't know where you learned all these 'rules'.  Certainly not from me!"

Of course, I told her she was ridiculous.  I definitely learned them from her!

Though at first, I was a little surprised, and took it like I was maybe being a little ridiculous with all my "rules".  I said to her, "so you're telling me that you would wear tweed pants or a fur coat in the middle of summer?"  To which she replied, "Oh yeah, I guess that's kinda common sense."

But in all seriousness, all I need to know about fashion, I learned from my mom.  Probably starting before kindergarten.

My mom was - and is - always put together.  She always looks neat and classic in whatever she's wearing.  This is without a doubt the most important lesson I've learned from her.  And she didn't teach me by sitting me down and telling me to be sure that I never looked sloppy; I just learned by watching her.

In the same manner, I remember shopping with her one day as she rationalized buying yet another white button-down.  She turned to me and said, "really, you can never own enough perfect, white, button-down shirts."  That simple statement epitomizes everything I ever learned about fashion from my mother, and it's totally one you should write down and remember!

Anyway, I also learned another hugely important lesson from my mom, involving fashion and life in general.  Growing up, there was always a magnet on the fridge that said:  "Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."  In our house, we followed the rules of retail therapy.

As I slogged through last week, I got myself through by thinking I'd spend all of Sunday on the couch in my pajamas, catching up on shows that were piling up on my tivo.  When Sunday morning actually rolled around, I naturally went the route of retail therapy instead.  I woke up with the itch!  After a quick trip in to the office (see, I really earned it!) I made my way to the mall.  I didn't go overboard, just buying a couple of things I'd been eyeing for awhile.  But it felt soooo good.

I finally found the perfect yellow bag for me - had returned the other one.

See how cute the lining is?!?

Cutest, most comfortable flats EVER.  I love them.

You thought I was kidding about this?

"I'm Not a Princess, This Ain't A Fairy Tale..."

Warning:  My heart has been trampled on in the last 24 hours.  This post is sad and maybe a bit pathetic.

Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known

I can't help it.  Whenever I get my heart broken, I always look back and chastise myself for being so stupid.  I really was this time, though.  Despite all my proclamations to the contrary, I let myself have false hope.  The Dude and I were supposed to be breaking up because we couldn't handle a long distance relationship and knew it would end badly.

But then we missed each other.  He got jealous if I would go out and not call him when I got home, like a girlfriend would.  He told me that he still felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  And that he didn't know what we should do.  I let myself have false hope, that this meant we could work it out and be together.  Or that it meant he would miss me so much that he would realize he couldn't just walk away from us.

I blame Cinderella.

Real life never works that way.  At least not for me.  Instead, he started to become distant.  He didn't call or text as much, he stopped reading my blog and my tweets, he stopped filling me in on the stories of his day.  I was incredibly hurt, but I tried to find ways to stick in there.  He was getting ready to deploy and I knew he had a lot on his mind and a lot to process.  I thought it was understandable that he would push me away and that I should stick in there, because I love him.

Then some friends helped me realize that if he was pushing me away, I needed to just let him do that. And when I started to pull away in response, he seemed to come back to me.  He caught back up on my life and made a bigger effort to rebuild the communication between us.  He told me that he had been angry about having to leave me and realized he was taking it out on me.  He apologized for taking me for granted.  I was so relieved.  It felt like we were going to be ok.

I even got a love letter.  An actual, honest-to-goodness, handwritten letter in the mail.

But then, I don't even know what happened.  In the matter of a weekend, it all fell apart.  I mean, yes, it had been rocky for awhile, but things had been better since.  And then, they were just destroyed.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet

Lead her up the stairwell

I don't even know what happened.  I just know - now - that he doesn't want to be with me.  There's not even false hope anymore.  There's just nothing.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Of course, he told me what a great person I am and how he wants me to be in his life still.  He wants us to be friends.  Hearing that infuriates me.  It feels so condescending and dismissive of the feelings that I had and what I wanted.  I don't want just a friendship.

I had so many dreams about you and me

Happy endings, now I know

I mean, I know we were breaking up when he left.  But this is so different.  Then, it was because time and distance weren't on our side.  Now, I feel cast aside and unwanted.  It's not the same, and it hurts much, much more.

I have only ever told two men that I loved them.  When I met The Dude, I knew right away that he was so different from The Ex.  Our relationship was different, it always felt like we were on the same page, that we had the same feelings for each other, and I never felt that imbalance that you feel in a relationship that isn't working.  But in the end, he left me in the same way that The Ex did.  If two men, who are so different, find the same shortcomings in me and can't see a future with me, I can't help but feel that the problem is with me.  Why don't men stay with me?

I know that sounds pathetic.  I'm just in the early stages of the grief, and I know I'll get past it.  I don't know what I do wrong though.  I am nurturing and loving and I give so much of myself in a relationship.  A friend of mine has been reading Why Men Marry Bitches, and I suppose it's something I should look into.

Right now, I just feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment and loss.  I've been listening to Taylor Swift's White Horse over and over again tonight.  I really just want to fast forward to when I get to this part, in my own life:

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

This is a big world, that was a small town

There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And it's too late for you and your white horse

Now it's too late for you and your white horse ... to catch me now.

Fashion Friday: Don't Try Too Hard

First off, I'd just like to point out that I'm having a little luck with the ranting and bitching I've been doing here.  The weather has improved dramatically in DC!  We've actually had SPRING weather here lately, complete with mild, sunny, breezy days and cool evenings nice enough to open the windows without fear of suffocating from humidity.  So, seeing as the bitching is working, I'm inclined to keep it up. 

Ahem. 

So, I was out last Thursday at Lima for happy hour.  I was sitting with a big group of girls on a comfy couch on the patio, sipping my mango mojito (yum!) and laughing along as the girls pointed out cute boys, tried out the Patti Stanger 5-second stare, and gossiped about work, clothes and upcoming summer plans.  

And then I saw this:

Cupcakes and Shoes and I spent a good 10 minutes waiting for her to get in the exact right position to snap a shot.

Here's what I have to say:  This girl was doing just fine in her gray pencil skirt, black button down, and killer heels.  Sure, it's a little boring, but it was just fine like that.  But I'm guessing she looked in the mirror that morning and decided that something was missing.  Instead of popping on a fun, colorful necklace (I'd probably pick a bright pink or magenta with this) or some other accessory, she reached for her favorite stretchy belt. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I have a favorite stretchy belt myself.  It's great for tunic tops over leggings or sweater dresses with tights (in the fall or winter, never spring, don't forget) ... but I would never just slap it on haphazardly with a skirt and tucked-in shirt, like this woman has done. This might have worked if she'd untucked the top and worn the belt more at an empire waist.  Or, like I said, she was just fine with the skirt and the top alone.  But this?  Verdict?  She's simply trying too hard.

I mean, seriously.  Look at the close-up.  The button loop on her pocket is undone and hanging over the edge of the belt.  What the hell?

Not in all aspects of life, but often in fashion, I really do believe - less is more.  Simple is sophisticated and classy.  There's no reason to try to cram as many trends into one outfit.  If your clothes fit well and look neat, you're FINE!  It's not all about trends and trying to be an attention-getter.  Don't try too hard. 

And just to up the snark factor, one other lesson we can learn from this:  You can be carrying a Louis, and yet, still look like a hot mess.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Cinco de Mayo is one of my favorite holidays.  Growing up in San Diego, we had lots of fun in elementary school learning the Mexican hat dance and wearing beautiful, full, colorful skirts.  But, and I apologize to any Mexican-Americans who I might offend, disregarding the whole victory over the French thing, to me, Cinco de Mayo is the national holiday of guacamole and margaritas.  Basically two of my favorite things in life.

So in honor of Tequila and Avocado Day, I figured I'd share two of my favorite recipes with you. Guacamole is pretty easy, so I'm giving you my enchilada and margarita recipes.  Actually, the margarita recipe is something I've already shared once before. Go back and check it out here:  Sassy Margarita.

Let's be honest, I got up and made a batch as soon as I saw this picture again.

And for the enchiladas, this is honestly one of the few recipes I put together all on my own and can therefore recite from memory.  So, I think I've kinda earned the right to call them:

Sassy Chicken and Black Bean Enchiladas

Ingredients:
3 thawed, boneless, skinless chicken breast halves
salt to taste
Extra Virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic
cayenne pepper
1 can diced tomatoes with green chilies, drained
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can yellow corn, drained
1 package corn tortillas
2 cups shredded cheese (I like the 4 cheese Mexican blend)
1 or 2 cans red enchilada sauce

Directions:
1.  Fill large skillet about 1 inch deep with salted water; bring to a boil.  Add chicken, cover, and simmer about 5 minutes on medium-low.  Remove chicken from heat, but let it steam, covered, for about 15 minutes, until no longer pink inside.  Transfer to a bowl and shred, using two forks.  Set aside.

2.  In deep skillet, over medium heat, add olive oil (about one turn of the pan) and press in two cloves of garlic.  Sprinkle in cayenne pepper to taste (I like 'em spicy!), stir and heat briefly.  Add diced tomatoes with chilies, black beans and corn.  Stir together and heat for about 5 minutes.

3.  Transfer vegetable mixture to a large bowl and add in shredded chicken.  Stir together.

4.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

5.  Pour about half a can of red enchilada sauce in bottom of 9" x 13" casserole dish.  Wrap stack of corn tortillas in a damp papertowel and microwave for approximately 30 seconds.  This softens the tortillas and makes them easier to roll without tearing.

6.  Fill each tortilla with a sprinkle of cheese, a spoonful or two of the chicken and vegetable mixture, and a little more cheese on top.  Then roll and place seam side down in casserole dish.  Repeat until you can't pack no mo' enchiladas in the pan!

7.  Pour remaining enchilada sauce over the rolled tortillas.  Open another can if you like them really moist and use about half of the second can.  Sprinkle the rest of the cheese (more cheese makes everything better and has NO calories, I promise!) over the top of the entire dish.

8.  Heat in oven until hot and bubbly, approximately 25 minutes.  Can be served immediately.

Yum!  (Image source)

I'm actually hosting a Siete de Mayo party, and I'll (of course) be serving Sassy Margaritas and Sassy Enchiladas, so I'll be sure to update with some pics of my own!

Until then, hope you all have a festive Guacamole and Margarita Day!