I started the year in love. I knew that there were challenges ahead of us, as The Dude would be reassigned in 2011, but I was confident that things would work out as they should. I still think that they did -- work out as they should, that is -- but his departure in March brought more heartache than I expected.
When he left for Iraq and we found out he would be home by Christmas, I was hopeful that we might still have a future. We Skyped and shared love letters and late-night confessions of how much we missed each other, but in the end, it wasn't enough. He is back in the States now, but any hopes of reconciling our romance are gone. That chapter is closed.
In March, I was also laid off. In April, I put down my cat. I started dating again in June and realized I wasn't quite ready for that yet. In November, The Dude dealt one last blow to my hopes that we would still make something of our fragile relationship. I also finally realized the end of another friendship I had valued so greatly earlier in the year. The implosion of that friendship and the related betrayals that came with it were not the toughest parts of this year, but they might be the ones that caused me to question things the most. I'm still struggling with how to know who I can trust and fear of being hurt again, but I've learned so much about who my real friends are.
December was a tough month, in the end. I spent Christmas stuck in Virginia, rather than home in San Diego. One of my closest D.C. friends ended up in the hospital, with no feeling from the neck down. My brother ended up in the hospital in San Diego, with blood clots in two major organs. I felt helpless and lonely and had one of the toughest Christmases I can remember. But everyone is doing better now and I am thankful for that.
In retrospect, I think I stumbled through a lot of this year. March and April blinded me with sadness and I wasn't graceful in navigating through that. For once I didn't have a plan of attack or a strategy for surviving it, other than "one day at a time." I don't know whether that was the best plan or not, but I do know that I made it through the hardest months and I guess that's what matters the most.
And as a couple of my closest friends have told me lately, maybe stumbling along isn't the worst thing I could do. You can't plan everything out. You can't know how every day is going to develop and control that. Maybe our moments of greatest grace come in rolling with the punches and ending the day with a smile on your face, no matter what that day brought.
And now it's December 31. While it would be so easy to just say "Good riddance, 2011!" and go off into the night to welcome a new year with promises that a simple tick on the calendar will fix everything that went wrong in the previous year, I've been trying to think about whether things did go right after all.
I made so many new friends in this past year. Some of them I knew would work all along, like in how easy my friendship is with Mary El. Others have surprised me, finding friendship in places I didn't expect it to be so strong, as with Katie, Suzie and Emil. For the friendships that have fallen to the wayside, I have tried to understand what I can learn from each of them. I have certainly learned to be more careful with who I trust and to surround myself only with the kindest and most inspiring people I can find.
In love, I think maybe 2011 wasn't that bad after all. I learned so much from The Dude and have no regrets. I put everything on the table with him and I can walk away knowing that I won't question anything or be haunted by "what ifs" down the road. Sure, it hurt to lose that love with him -- but at least I had it, in the first place.
I've started dating again, a little more seriously this time. I will say that I have learned the value of just diving in and going for it. I've put myself out there and I'm actually having fun. I dare say that I'm getting good at dating and I don't dread a first date like I once did. You never know who's going to come into your life and surprise you, and it's better to be out having a drink with a potential someone than sitting at home on your couch, alone.
There are actually two -- maybe three -- boys who have me excited lately. One of them is so pretty he makes me nervous, but he was also fun and engaging when he met Katie and her man the other night. She tells me he said, "looking forward to seeing you guys again soon" when he said goodnight to them, so I might have a little hope with that one. The other invited me to spend New Year's with him, cozied up around his fire pit in the backyard, before a family death took him to Georgia for the weekend. But he's been texting and telling me how he wishes he were spending the night around a fire with me tonight. So I definitely have hope with him. And it feels so good to have that giddy, hopeful feeling again.
As for the other things that happened to me in 2011, well ... that's just life. Those things happen to all of us, at some time or another. I think I'd rather judge 2011 by whether or not it broke me. I'm a different person, sure, but not in a bad way. I'm stronger, I'm more aware, I have more life experiences. I can get through tough times and come out with a smile on my face, surrounded by people who will support me. Sitting in my favorite neighborhood bar last night, listening to Katie sing "I Will Survive" seemed so fitting, for both of us.
I'll spend this last night of 2011 with friends, close to home, around a backyard fire pit that may or may not have been inspired by my other foiled plans. I am certain we will laugh and reminisce and make memories that will carry us into 2012. I can't think of any other way I would rather start this year.
And just maybe all this means 2011 was just as it should be, after all.
