When I blog, I start the posts in my head. By the time I get my fingers over a keyboard, I already know the outline of what I want to say and how it will begin, though not exactly how it will end.
Whenever I have started that post in my head, before I can get too far I hear my mom's voice in the background: "No. Be the bigger person."
Obviously I struggle with that, or I wouldn't even be writing this post. I mean, that's kinda like the person who calls themselves "classy" -- you diminish the status by uttering the statement.
But, I'm human and I've always bared my flaws here. I think that's actually how I live my life, too. I have a tough exterior, but once I trust you and open up, I don't pretend to be some better version of myself or the version of myself I would be without flaws. I show you my vulnerabilities and flaws and insecurities. I feel like that's how I connect with people.
Maybe that's also why I have such a vocal bullshit meter. I'm willing to be honest about all of this. So I have little respect for people who can't even own up to who they are. Those people who put on a show, every day of the week, refusing to acknowledge their real emotions or admit their mistakes ... I have no patience for those people.
And so I suppose that's why I struggle with wanting to write that post. I'm really not the bigger person. I want to tell everyone what really happened and how it has hurt me and how hard I find it to trust anyone in my life as a result. Every time I learn something new that has been said about me, I want to tell my side of the story.
Instead, I sit on my hands and I try to swallow my frustration and I do my best to bite my tongue. I find faith in knowing that my real friends know me best. I find solace in knowing that the ones who would believe the crap were never my real friends to begin with. So I bide my time and try to ride out the storm.
But sonofabitch, sometimes it's hard.
Tonight, all I want is to get lost in a hug from my mom. If I lived any closer to home, I'd already be on my way there.
You definitely are being the bigger person. Biting your tongue is such a hard thing to do, but really is for the best often times. Like you said, the real people in your life need no explanation since they know you best. As cliche as it sounds, it's true that the high road is the hardest most of the time. By the way, I've read your blog for awhile & I think this may be my first comment . :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment! It means a lot to me that this is your first one. :)
ReplyDeleteI think everyone struggles with showing their 'true selves'. It's why Facebook is so immensely popular; you post only the good and make your life look amazing. Some of my favorite travel blogs are like that, posting pretty pictures but never talking about the food poisoning. :)
ReplyDeleteBUT, that's why I like your blog -- because you're honest and it's refreshing.
don't fell any pressure telling what happened because we know you are awesome and nothing could change that!
ReplyDelete-K
Wow girl, I'm impressed you've kept this battle to yourself at all. I am kind of in a similar boat right now, I have a whole post I wrote about how unfairly I've been treated recently, I'm really on the fence about posting it. Maybe I'll send you an email and get your opinion on the subject? I'm really proud of you and impressed. I wish I could be your real-life friend - because you have a rare quality that is incredibly hard to find.
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