Let's start with the negatives though. For whatever reason, I think it's just borderline perverse to have a profile that sits up there for anyone and everyone to page through. I hate knowing that my boss or a business connection or my neighbor could stumble upon my profile and read all about me and what I'm interested in. That just feels really weird to me. Plus, it really does just make you part of a dating catalog. Let's be honest, all you do is flip through profiles until you find someone with a picture that you're attracted to. Then you stop and skim their profile and look through the rest of their pictures. It's exactly like flipping through a catalog. That grosses me out for some reason.
Also, it's so hard to know when people are being genuine about their intentions. I'm really not sure there's a much difference between having an OkCupid profile and responding to an ad on Craigslist. I mean, at least on Craigslist people are putting it all out there, right? On OkCupid, we know their profile says they are looking for a relationship, but really most of the time they're just looking to spend as little as possible on a date here and there and end up getting laid.
There's just something to be said for meeting someone organically, in person, face to face. You immediately know whether you have chemistry. You can look that person in the eye and at least get a better feel for whether they are being honest when they say they're single. You can easily judge their mannerisms and how they interact in a social setting and learn so much in half an hour about whether you could stand to be around that person, let alone be intimate and in a relationship with them.
And sure, you get to that part eventually with online dating. But I think too many people put too much weight on the first date from online dating. In my opinion, the first "date" is more of a meet and greet. Sometimes it becomes a date, sure. But sometimes it's just a chance to get a drink with this person and see them in real life to actually know whether they are someone you then want to date. This is where I think men do online dating better than women. So many women I know treat each online date as if it's a huge thing. It's not. If you meet and he likes you and then asks you out to dinner, for example, then it's a date.
But it still really is a great way to meet all kinds of people, people you really wouldn't run across in your daily life. That's probably my favorite part of online dating. I don't really like to date people that I come across in my work and social circles, normally. I think people who date on Twitter are insane. I don't like feeling like we're still in high school. I love meeting someone who has absolutely no connection to my group of friends or my job and getting to know them outside of everything else that I do day in and day out. I love then getting to introduce our lives to one another.
That's just what I prefer. And so for better or worse, I guess that means online dating is a part of my life for now. And despite the negatives, I do have fun with it. I love dates, I love meeting new people, I love that hopeful anticipation before the first date and the giddy happiness after a good one.
I agree with the benefits of meeting in person. In real life, you can tell pretty quickly if you're attracted to someone or not. Much harder to do online (because, for me at least, about 50% of attraction is in personality, mannerisms, etc, which is really hard to gauge from a dating profile). This leads to a much higher rejection rate because, odds are, you aren't compatible with the average person you meet on the street. It makes it seem much more personal, and more like rejection when you frame your first meeting as a date. I also don't like the job interview-y nature of first online dates. I do agree, though, that it's a really cool way to meet people you otherwise wouldn't necessarily meet.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your comment that first dates with someone you met through online dating are meet and greets more. It's like the last weeding out to see if they really are who they put themselves out to be and you want invest a full date on them.
ReplyDeleteI like your thoughts on this topic quite a bit, despite my own total and complete failure to meet anyone via online dating. Well, I met one new person in six years of trying, and found two people I already knew on dating sites that I tried dating. None of that went anywhere.
ReplyDeleteTangent aside, it's always interesting to me to read women's perspectives on this, and you've formulated some good assessments and attitudes here.
I've tried four different online dating sites, and based on my experience it seems like the guys on eharmony are more upfront about wanting a serious relationship rather than just a casual fling. (Or at least they say that's what they want.)
ReplyDeleteIt's not always possible to meet new people, especially if work and other things take up a lot of time. So I think that online dating is a good way to meet people, especially people you might not have met otherwise. One thing that bugs me about all the online dating sites, though, are the guys who send one or two e-mails and then pull disappearing acts. My guess is that they're just "browsing", or they get ego trips from girls who e-mail them back, or they're too scared to meet people in person.
Very well said. I agree about the first online "date" being more of a meet and greet. I also can completely relate to the skepticism related to sincerity. After about 5 years of online dating (on-and-off), I'm currently dating someone I met on OKCupid, and it took me a while to truly feel comfortable with the fact that I was dating a complete stranger that I met online, and that he was actually a nice, genuine guy.
ReplyDeleteI met my boyfriend on match.com last summer; he's my best friend, and we never would have met without the site. I didn't want to do it at first, but then I thought, "Oh, what the hell." Give it a chance, Sass, and don't over think it. You're a beautiful girl - just put yourself out there. If nothing else, it'll make for a good blog post, right?
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's important not to take online dating too seriously because it can be really fun meeting new people. I've done A LOT of online dating. Only once did it lead to a long-term thing (3 very stormy years), and I dated another guy for a couple of months. Other than that, no more than a few dates with anyone. And then I ended up with a guy from high school. So you just never really know what's going to work out!
ReplyDeleteThe truth for me is that had I encountered my fiance online, I would probably never have gone out with him. Actually, I probably never would have encountered him at all because: one, he was out of my "datable" age range (he's 12 years older, and I had my filters set to cap at 10 years older.) Two, he was living in another state (I filtered mine to include people only within 20 miles of where I lived). But since we met in person, and I got to see all of who he was in person rather than a summary on a webpage, it worked out. Maybe I never figured out the "right" formula for online dating (if there is such a thing), but I'm certainly glad now that I didn't!
ReplyDeleteI love hearing all your opinions! I've been trying it for a few months and am mostly sticking with it for now. We'll see what comes of it. I'm still having fun, for the most part.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I just got an email telling me that a user who named himself "Forkedtonguekisses" wants to meet me. Maybe I should just quit before it gets worse ...