On Readjusting

I started this blog as an outlet, to give myself something stimulating while I was stuck in a nowhere-near-stimulating career slump. I didn't feel any sort of accomplishment in my day-to-day, so I wanted something I could build, even if it only ever was a small little corner of the internet.

Now that my career is back on track, I find myself with less time to spend here. And that makes me sad. I feel guilt when I don't take time to write. I feel somehow empty when all the thoughts I would normally pour out on paper are trapped inside my head for too long.

I am trying to find a new balance. Work is important, because for so long I did not have something meaningful and I do not want to let it get away. Dating has become important, because I finally realize how overwhelmingly lonely I feel. I didn't understand how much I missed it until I had it again with The Marine. I don't want to become one of those women who is just happy to find any person to fill that role, to have just anyone to walk to Starbucks with her in pjs on an early Saturday morning. But I am just so ready to have someone around again.

And so I date a lot. When I tell some of my single girl friends that I have another date, some of them say to me, "well at least you have someone to take you out." Finding dates isn't hard. Finding other humans to connect with, to share laughter over drinks, to give you those hopeful butterflies when your text message alert goes off ... that's the easy part. I tell those friends to just get out and find themselves a date. Actually finding someone to connect with, in the long term sense, is much harder, but I'm glad that I'm at least out there, working on it. Trying for it.

Balancing all of that with time for myself is a priority, too. This used to mean going home to a glass of wine and my laptop, to spend an hour writing about my feelings and splashing my face with cold water at the end to wipe away the tears. But I've been spending more time swimming and jogging and cooking meals at home. These are the things that make me feel whole lately. And while I am sad that they mean less time for writing, I don't want to give them up. I just need to find a way to balance everything a little bit better.

Even if it means closing my office door on my lunch break and folding my feet under me in my desk chair to tap out a post. Hoping that no one knocks on my door right as I'm typing about The Marine, because thinking about him still brings tears to my eyes. But maybe this is a good solution. I feel better already; my head, less crowded.