On Faith

To say I'm skeptical, of life in general, would be a huge understatement. I've often been told I'm pessimistic. More than one man has told me, in exasperation, to stop assuming the worst. I always protest and say that I'm just realistic. I am not a Carrie. I am certainly not a Charlotte. I am 100% Miranda.

Some of my closest girl friends are fellow Mirandas. They get me. They don't try to talk me out of my mindset when one small disappointment, particularly with men, convinces me that "he's just not that into me." I mean, that's what we're supposed to realize, isn't it?

I was talking about this with a friend a couple weeks ago, about how dating in your 30s just seems to mean you have to be a little pessimitic, as protection. It's the armor we put on our battle-bruised bodies after searching fruitlessly for so many years. I have also been rewatching all of Sex and the City lately. (Not to get off on a tangent, but holy shit it's a whole new experience to watch that show in your 30s.) The very next episode I watched after talking with my friend was exactly on point:

That night, I started to think about belief. Maybe it's not even advisable to be an optimist after the age of 30. Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily, like moisturizer. Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive? What's the harm in believing?

I can't stop reading that quote. It speaks so clearly to me. Faith and belief have always been important to me, but they don't come easily. I'm always looking for that little sign to tell me it's ok to go ahead and believe. My heart always wants to, especially in love. I put myself out there again and again, because I am a hopeless romantic. But my brain is the one that remembers every past heartache, every time I've been fooled, every time I've thought it was real only to get hurt again. My brain needs the sign. And so my brain goes to war with my heart, every time.

I wonder, if I compared the times I protected myself to the times I really let my heart lead, which have really been the greatest results? Have I missed out on things that could have been because I was busy protecting myself? Or maybe it just takes the exact right opportunity to come along and silence my brain. Why do I need such a strong sign before I can believe?

I also ran across this quote this morning:  "Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best."

Is hope really a drug we need to go off of, or is it actually keeping us alive? I really try to believe the latter. I'm trying harder to not spend my time worrying or wondering or, yes, obsessing. I want to enjoy whatever comes along in life ... even if it only lasts a short time and even if I do end up hurt again. As The Dude said to me in an email this morning, "That's what life is all about, I believe."