Nov 19, 2012

It's Just Who I Am

I've always been a hopeless romantic. There's no need for further explanation even, it's just who I am. I have always daydreamed that the boy I had a crush on would come sweep me off my feet and every time I decide I like someone, I desperately look for the best in them, trying so hard to trust in that part that says they like me.

I think that's what keeps me from staying at home on a Friday night, afraid to put myself out there. Because if anyone can say that they put themselves out there, again and again, I can say that. I do it again and again and again. And I get my heart -- or my ego -- bruised a lot. They may turn out to be married and just looking for an ego boost or they might be sincere but disappear with the whim of a job at the last minute or they might just not be right and not move past a second or third date.

Every time, for at least twenty-four hours, I declare that it's the last time I can do that. I say that I won't put myself out there again, just to be hurt. But then I wake up one morning, and the slightest glimmer of hope for romance, of finding someone new to start with, inspires me to try again.

I can't help myself, I guess.

I've been wondering lately, as I wonder why I got hurt again this time, if this is a flaw. If I'd be a stronger person if I could just be content to stay home on a Friday night, unfazed by the absence of flirtation, not needing that rush of hopeful romance. If I didn't need love from someone else to make my life feel complete.

And I don't have the answers. I think, despite all the heartbreak that comes with being open to love everywhere and at the same time sensitive to disappointment, that I am better off this way. That I am happier being the girl who puts herself out there, the girl who is honest and not afraid of her emotions, than the girl who sits alone on a Friday night and complains that she will always be alone. I do have moments where I am proud of myself for trying. I do think I would rather look back on my life and know that I tried, even if I failed, rather than feared even putting myself in the game.

And maybe because I am sensitive, because I can be honest with my emotions, I am better equipped for the disappointment. I am better able to feel the hurt, work through it and move on to the next possibility.

Or maybe I just am trying to convince myself that this is for the best, because I am so hurt and heartbroken again that I can't even picture how to open up the next time.

I feel lost tonight. But I still hope that my Jane Austen romanticism will rear it's ugly head tomorrow morning.


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2 comments:

  1. I've thought about this a lot, because I am also a girl who puts herself out there. I think it ultimately means that we will get hurt more often, and maybe more deeply. However, I think because we are strong enough to keep trying and not let ourselves turn bitter and closed off (or settle), we will ultimately find what we are looking for, and it will be worth it. Maybe that's a bit naive or overly optimistic of me, but I truly believe it.

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  2. I think you're right, ultimately. It's just hard sometimes, I guess. When I'm happy, I'd never want to be one of those girls who doesn't feel things as deeply. But when I'm sad, I always wish to be one of those girls who never cries. I suppose it's all about balance.

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