Fashion Friday: Be Good to Your Girls

I was at an event last night, where a particular woman soon became a subject of conversation among most of the people there. And not in a good way, unfortunately. She was wearing a dress that looked great on her ... everywhere except across her chest. For her chest, the dress might as well have been a child's size. Her breasts were just smooshed and smashed and so close to falling out and exposing us all to nipple that even the men were uncomfortable. It wasn't cleavage in a good way. Rather, as a fellow blogger put it:

"That's not cleavage. That's a massacre. "

It was painful to observe. Some of us wondered how you even go about helping that girl, if you were her friend. There's not exactly a tactful way to tell her that the dress she was wearing just isn't for her. I guess a bold friend would say, "Girl! Put your boobs away! Seriously, that's too much." Or you could try and be there when she's trying on outfits for a night out, and discourage her from the truly tragic options in her closet.

Short of those opportunities, if you have a friend who has this problem, you could also just forward her this blog post. Being a woman blessed with breasts of a certain size (oh how I love alliteration), I have a bit of practice in highlighting my best assets without appearing vulgar. Keep in mind that these don't necessarily apply in the same way to smaller-busted women.

1. Know the difference between tactful cleavage and tacky cleavage. Here's my take on that. I think sexy, tactful cleavage is the kind that a low-draping top gives you. To be blunt, something that shows off the space between your breasts is usually attractive. Anything that shows too much of the top of the breast, inching closer and closer to the nip-slip, is not. If you're going strapless, be sure that it really does fit.

2. Balance. If you're going to show a lot of skin up top, be aware of how much you're showing below your hemline as well. If you're showing a lot of leg, a fitted boat- or crew-neckline can look more appropriate and sexy than a v-neck that also shows off cleavage. Trust me, everyone will still be able to see that you have cans.

3. Don't go big every day. Similar to the point about balance, you don't need to show cleavage with every outfit you wear. People know that you have boobs -- when they're a certain size, you can't hide them, no matter how you try. Show that you're just as comfortable in a well-fitted blouse or sweater as you are in a surplice bodice dress, and I think you make your cleavage even sexier.

But really, above all else, whatever you do -- please don't smoosh them into tops that don't fit. It just looks painful and you're not doing yourself any favors! And if anyone knows that girl from last night, be kind, but help her out.

Happy Friday!

The Secret to Every Successful Relationship

I don't know about you guys, but I think there's a lot of junk out there on the interwebs, presented as "dating advice." Most of it is about telling you what you're doing wrong. Stop doing this. Stop doing that. This makes you look crazy. That makes you look desperate. This makes you seem like an asshole, instead of a gentleman. That makes you look like a pushover. This tells him you're a desperate, needy, nag. That shows him he can walk all over you any time he wants.

In real life, this sort of negative teaching -- by telling you everything you're doing wrong and not focusing on the positive -- is the kind of stuff I generally just ignore. It's not all that helpful. But when it comes to dating, we seem to take it to heart. The less confident among us get downtrodden under all of this negativity. Is that really helpful to anyone?

My favorite "advice" by far comes from the perpetually single, who want to tell you that these are all the things you're doing "wrong" that make you tragically less cool than they are. If only you could act more like them, you'd be set. To do what, exactly? Well apparently, to cycle through an endless series of date after date after date. Isn't that what we're doing already, if we're reading dating advice?

So, here's my suggestion. And take this with a grain of salt, because (full disclosure), yes, I'm currently single. But I'm basing this on my years in relationships and the times where things just clicked with someone from the very beginning.

What's the secret? That's just it, there is no secret. If you really want to find true, lasting love with someone you just need to be yourself. 

If there is anything that 33 years on this planet -- the vast majority of it spent people watching -- have taught me, it's that there is absolutely a lid for every pot and a pot for every lid.

When the right person for you comes along, it will work. (And I think there are multiple "right people" out there for each of us, so we're not on a magic quest to find "the one".) You might be a complete slob and absolutely incapable of getting anywhere on time, but it won't matter. You might be naturally paranoid and terrible at just relaxing in a relationship, but it won't matter. You might have terrible fashion sense and wear all the wrong things on a first date, but she'll fall for you anyway. You might drive every other man (and me, for that matter) crazy with your baby talk and pet names, but he'll love you for it.

When the chemistry is right, it just works. And when it's not right, there's nothing you can do to force it.

All the "advice" that we read after a date or a fledgling relationship goes bad is masochistic, in a way. Sure, there are things you could do differently. But how often do you know people to actually change the fundamentals of their personality? It's probably not going to happen and you are who you are. So stop bullying yourself. Stop bullying your friends who are just out there trying to find happiness, too.

Just go on, be yourself, and keep looking until you find the one who fits just right with who you are. I promise, they're out there.

Whatever Happened to The Dude

I haven't talked about The Dude here in several months. When I told him recently that I thought I was ready to blog about him again, he asked me two things: "why?" and "why weren't you ready before?"

I thought about those questions for a little while. I think the best answer I have is that things were so up-and-down, touch-and-go, and uncertain for so long with him, that I always felt unsettled when I blogged about it. I was trying so hard to use writing to work through our issues that I always wanted some sort of answer at the end of a post. And when I wasn't finding answers, and when things were changing so frequently from one week to the next, I guess I just failed to see the point in writing about it anymore.

But that doesn't mean things just stopped between us.

When The Dude moved away and we officially broke up, so many people had so many opinions about how I should handle things in the months that followed. Most told me that I should cut off all contact with him. And I can't really blame a lot of those people. Stuff was rocky between The Dude and I for a long time. Iraq was incredibly tough and it's an experience that changed us both. There were times that he hurt me. A lot. But for whatever reason, we both kept trying. For me, when I think something or someone is worth saving, I just keep trying.

And now that we have such an unbelievably strong friendship, I really can't imagine things being any different. We had to go through those hard times together, and we had to ignore everyone's advice, and we had to stick with our guts -- to end up where we are now.

My mom is truly my best friend in the world. But if anyone gets close to the type of friendship I have with her, it's The Dude. And in so many ways, it's a different and completely unique relationship. The greatest thing about actually finding a way to be friends with an ex, is that they know the present you more intimately than anyone on the planet. That insight is impossible to replace and really is amazing when you find a way to preserve it in a genuine friendship.

I was talking to him the other night about a new guy, asking his opinion and of course pointing out all the reasons I was worried this guy wasn't going to work out. It takes him about thirty seconds in those conversations to filter out what's really going on in my mind, what I'm afraid of and why I shouldn't be. And then he said this to me:

"I know that you're lonely and I just hate seeing you like that. You just have to open up to someone and stop worrying that they're going to hurt you."

It's when he makes those type of comments that I realize he does still love me, but also is my friend and wants the best for me. I mean, it's something a friend would say in a heartbeat, but it's also something that's so hard for an ex-boyfriend to say. I'm not even sure that I'm as good a friend to him as he is to me, but I am glad to look back a year later and know that I did the right thing by fighting to keep him in my life. For whatever reasons, our other relationship wasn't meant to work out. The friendship we have now, though, is stable. And I guess that's really why I'm comfortable talking about him here again. No more rollercoaster, no more confusing double-takes, just an authentic, solid friendship that I know will be around for a long time.

Sure, it's not the whole shebang I thought I was going to have when I first fell in love with him. But sometimes you just have to recognize the bits of good here and there in your life and hold onto them.

Fashion Friday: Men in Short Shirts

I was at the Nats game last night. First of all, let me just say that for as small a city D.C. can seem to be sometimes, it's fun to get out and people watch and realize that you don't recognize a single face all night long. It was refreshing. Second, we definitely did do a lot of people watching. And because it was mostly men in attendance, we had great opportunities to notice what the mens are wearing these days (not a typo, ok?).

I've blogged on this topic before, but it seems to be an epidemic and therefore bears repeating:

Men in Short Shirts. No Bueno.

Allow me to explain. Men: your shirt should hit at least an inch or two below your belt line. Much shorter than this and you're venturing into dangerous territory.

If you could raise your arms and show your belly button ... your shirt is too short.

If I can see the white of your undershirt between your shirt and the top of your pants ... your shirt is too short.

If you're not wearing an undershirt and your belly hair is sticking out from under your shirt ... I have no words. This is just a much bigger issue. (And yes, I totally saw this last night.)

Now, here's why you want to avoid this problem:

1. You just look silly, like a little kid who has outgrown his clothes.

2. It's actually not flattering, in the sense that it shortens your torso and makes it look like you have a belly.

3. Women look at this and instantly realize that you don't know how to do your own laundry (here's a tip: stop putting everything in the dryer) and are then too cheap to replace stuff once you've ruined it.

And I'm gonna guess that reason 2 is probably the only one most men will care about. Still, I think that's reason enough to go through your clothes and make a donation pile for anything that's just too short. You're doing yourself a disservice by continuing to wear those.

And ladies -- help your men out, here.

Happy Friday!

A Little Audrey Goes A Long Way

I've got a few things going on lately that are keeping me up late, with too many thoughts marching through my head. Sometimes I like to read over my favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes to laugh, smile, recenter and calm down. Here are my favorites:

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

"If I'm honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all."

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

"There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain."

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul."

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life -- to be happy -- it's all that matters."

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."